Darkness falls

Friday, June 24, 2005

I opened my eyes to uneasy silence. All around the bus there was nothing to be heard, save for the shuffling of bags and the drowned music from cd players. I began to feel uneasy as well. This silence was unusual for my class. I turned to Lawrence questioningly.

"What’s wrong with everybody?"

"I don’t know."

I sensed that something was up. Not knowing what it was put me on guard, but knowing I could do nothing made me want to put the matter aside for the meantime, and end the nagging thoughts, but feeling the anxiety around me, overwhelming the sanity, I began to wonder.
I didn’t have enough time to ponder over the matter thoroughly, because soon the bus slowed down to a stop at the docks. Everyone stood up immediately and began to leave. Still harboring questions, I involuntarily looked at the new girl. She hadn’t looked as sad as she did since her first day.

I sat there, stunned. More irritating thoughts and unwanted questions swamped my mind.

Why was she sad?

Had she wanted me to tell her?

Should I tell her?

What about Micah?

Would telling her really be so wrong?

I just don’t know.

My feelings were tearing me up inside. I was more confused than I ever had been. It felt so wrong, like it was an unwritten but well known law, to tell her, and yet I wanted to do so, more than ever… and yet I started to condemn myself for wanting that. I had never been and had never wanted to be someone I would call a player. By telling her I would be, whether she would say she felt the same or not didn’t matter. Simply saying what I was dying to say would turn me into what I hated most.

I came to the conclusion that not telling her would be the best thing to do. So I buried those thoughts somewhere deep in my mind, hopefully to be forgotten forever. I steeled myself for the memories that would undoubtedly show their ugly faces once I reached the island.

I got down from the bus slowly, feeling each step, imagining them to be numbers on a bomb, counting them down to when the thoughts would finally explode, sending me over the edge, breaking me.

Though my defeat was ominously sitting in the fog ahead, I found strength again, just before entering the office of the ferry tours. Upon entering, I saw my class had changed. Their perturbed silence was gone, replaced by enthusiastic laughter and excitement. This made me smile. I knew I’d find the strength I needed in them.

I joined them hastily, wanting so much to just forget my plight and enjoy the day. I surprised myself by doing just that. It seemed like I had never enjoyed being with them more in my life than those few hours waiting for the ferry and riding the slow, calm waves toward the island.
Once I set foot on the cold grey cement of the island's docks, the madness began again. The cold, biting wind didn’t help at all, and as you can imagine, my tour through the forests and derelict barracks around the island was miserable. I managed to keep myself sane until we got to the memorable crossroads.

The tree that bore the scar of my knife was supposed to stand at the beginning of the right fork. Reluctantly, but eagerly at the same time, I started to search for it. I walked the whole row of trees before I found what was left of it. What was once a majestic tree became a humble stump surrounded by dead grass. Yet another contradiction came. I was crushed and relieved at the same time.

It’s in the past. Let it go.

I told myself this, but still the regret lingered. It didn't bother me as much as everything else did, but it was an annoyance nevertheless.

Not long after, I heard Eric’s call. We were moving away from this place, and I was thankful. I thought that the next place would be another distraction, something that would take my mind off of this. It wasn’t.

We went to the island’s hotel’s restaurant. As soon as the opportunity came, I sneaked off, out from under the watchful eye of the teachers, and brought out the pack of Winstons I had smuggled. I heard someone coming up behind me, but I wasn't worried. I knew that whoever came out here, among the looming trees, had to smoke as well. Besides, most of the students in my school were smokers anyway.

I was wrong. At least in assuming that whoever it was must be a smoker. It was Lawrence. I braced myself for more questions from him.

"Smoking again. Tsk tsk."

I couldn’t help but smile at that.

"Yeah. I need this, man."

"What’s wrong with you? You’ve been acting weird."

That’s Lawrence. Straight to the point.

"Like I need to remind you. It’s the island. All the things it reminds me of…but that’s not the main problem."

"So you are thinking of telling her."

"Of course. I just don’t know if it’s the right thing to do."

"Of course it’s the right thing to do. I know you love her. You said so yourself."

"I thought you didn’t believe in this ‘love at first sight’ shit."

"It isn’t exactly ‘at first sight". You're her friend."

"You know her better."

"Maybe."

And with that, he shut up. I knew that he had the same feelings for the new girl. It was obvious. I didn’t know how to deal with that. Another problem to add to my list. After a few minutes of silence, he left. I walked past the restaurant after a few sticks, and then another place with another memory came into view.

Wonderful. This day just keeps getting better.

It was the beach. As unglamorous as it was, it probably held the best memory of the time on the island with Mae. I remembered the last afternoon we were there. We had walked hand in hand across the sand, past the bahay kubo’s and the palm trees, toward the rocky cliffs at the end. We had found a small crevice at the base that opened at its other end to the other half of the beach. Perfect Kodak moment.

That one hurt more than the others. Honestly, I had no idea why. I thought I’d gotten over her. After all, it had been two years since then. Perhaps this had to happen. Perhaps I just needed to come back here to be able to let go once and for all. Whatever the reason, I didn’t appreciate the pain.

I found myself walking across the sands, looking off into the sea. Loneliness again. How much longer did I have to feel this? I didn’t know. I wasn't about to let this beat me. I knew I wasn’t a quitter. But there comes a time in everyone's life wherein they feel like giving up, like throwing everything away and not caring what they'd leave behind. There comes a time when this life doesn’t feel worth the pain anymore. Before I could throw myself to the merciless waves of the sea, friends called. They were sitting on the rocks close to the restaurant. I knew they saved me, though they didn’t know it. I just wasn't feeling very grateful. It was Jerome, loud and attention deficit as always, who spoke first.

"Hoy ok ka lang? Kumain ka na ba?"

"Oo. Ano na ang gagawin naten?"

"Pupunta na tayo doon sa tunnel pero matagal pa bago tayo umalis."

"Bakit?"

"Nagpapahinga pa yung driver."

I sat down next to them and said nothing. I looked once more at the sea, feeling ashamed of my earlier thoughts of suicide. I was not a quitter, and never will be. I wasn’t about to let this beat me.

-----to be continued

3:36 AM

Neko