Sunday, September 26, 2004
When one has had a couple of beers and is not a strong drinker, you shouldnt expect him to act totally sane throughout the night.
A few nights ago I attended my friends birthday party. Initially i didnt want to go, but certain circumstances forced me to. My girlfriend was going, and she, in all probability, didnt have a ride home and would have to commute. I scarcely had enough money to get home myself, but I had to accompany her home, I just had to.
So I went, and arrived earlier than she did, just sitting down at a table talking to my friends. I decided to go home first and change,because I was still in uniform, and when I got back to the party, she was already there. We ate, then sat down with the other couples at a table to drink. It started off as such a lovely night.
Then Patrick initiated an open forum amongst us, starting off by asking questions concerning couples' rules and unspoken laws. Everyone asked a question, and when my turn came, my mind went blank. I couldnt think straight, not with the few beers in my system, so i asked the first thing that came to mind. Bad move.
The question I asked concerned my very close childhood friend Crystal, and it was a touchy subject for my girl. Crystal and I call each other some endearing things that affected her much, and i was asking her if that was okay, since I couldn't really discern her stand on that. I was asking because I wanted to know if I should stop. Instead of saying it aloud, like the other couples' replies to each other and to the group, she whispered to me that it wasn't.
With that done, we unashamedly started kissing, as all the others were, too. I dont know if it was the beer, but I normally wouldnt have done that in front of so many people. We stopped suddenly as soon as everyone did, and then, because, again, I wanted to know where she stood on this, I asked her if she would take offense if I had a pic of my crush. She said it was. Then I asked if it was okay that I showed it to everyone. Now that was stupid. Its my fault, I know, but its also partly the beer. she said it wasnt. I guess I had an idea by then of how much that affected her, but I wasn't sure.
I held all my other questions back, because I didn't want to ruin the night. I didn'n know that I already had. I asked one of my family members to pick us up, and soon we were on our way to our house. I knew something was wrong with her then, because she kept silent throughout the ride, which was very unusual. And now, she releases her anger and depression through an approved medium.She lashes out at me, but its okay.
I approve of any way of releasing tension and negative emotions except slashing(and smoking,for her),so I guess all thats left to do is deal with this together when we meet tomorrow.
Happy Monthsary, Panda.
7:10 PM
Saturday, September 04, 2004
Introduction to The Madness:
The Madness is a delusory condition in which the afflicted is plagued with dark thoughts. The victim is disturbed so much and so intensely that he/she unconsciously brings them into action. Unless he/she has a strong will to retain his friendship with the people around him/her, The Madness will rule his/her life, and that person will no longer be what he/she was. That person will be dead.
Let me tell you about my long years of battle with The Madness. Oh wait... I can't, because my poor mind has erased all or most of those years from my memory due to the events that happened which are too horrible and inhuman to remember. I'll have to tell you about my not so distant past, in which i thought The Madness defeated. This was in my early years of high school, and I guess I could say I was happy,despite the fact that I felt like I had my then-girlfriend taken from me, and I was being treated like a dog in my home, i was happy. I felt joy and exhiliration like I had never had before, because i had friends.
I had thought then that having friends was just reward for enduring my years of torment, but then The Madness surfaced from its freshly dug grave and began to plague me again. It gradually led me to believe that these friends i had were false, and unworthy of my time. It led me to believe that having friends was too good to be true. I held on,though, and fought back with all the will and strength I had. Again I thought I had won, when I felt The Madness subside and retreat back into the depths of my plagued mind from whence it came, but when I looked at my friends, I realized that I had lost. I believed then, and even now, that my friends were not friends at all. There was truth in The Madness' words.
I struggled through the early days of my third year keeping up my facade with my "friends". I had thought that I would have to go through my childhood again, wherein I thought I had many friends, but, in truth, I had none.
Then SHE came. At first, The Madness was strong, and led me to believe that if I talked to her, and made her a friend of my "friends", then she would be one of them, one of the False ones. But by an extremely miraculous stroke of luck, I heard another, more powerful voice tell me that she was different, that she would be the true one amongst the false. She would be the light. she came back to school one day, after a few day's abscence due to the mistreatment she had at the hands of my "friends", and then I built up my confidence and forced myself to be brave, and talked to her. And after that, The Madness grew steadily weaker, for because of her, because of the light, I had regained my will. I now had something to fight for, and dreams to reach.
I had begun to live.
1:00 AM
